It was a dark country road headed north, traveling deeper into the outskirts of Vancouver Washington. As we continued, the city lights faded and farmlands appeared dimly alongside the country road. My friend Debbie in the passenger seat was a welcomed companion. We’d chit-chat most of the drive, mentioning every so often how glad we had each other to attend these meetings. I’d pull into the First Presbyterian church parking lot and we’d make our way down to the basement. It was a bustle of people and kids as other groups were beginning to gather. We’d swing around a corner, looking for our door and find it quickly: Al-Anon Meeting Tonight.
As a newly engaged woman to a recovering addict, I wanted to get my shit straight before entering into a long-term commitment. And Debbie was no stranger to addicts as she had to bear the weight of them throughout her childhood. The group was small, crammed into what seemed to be a storage closet at one point in the basement yet it contained the largest of welcomes. We were greeted with smiles and handed books that first meeting. Throughout our months of attendance, I learned and shared and listened to story after story of survivors of addicts. Detachment with love was one of the first lessons I learned and have kept with me since. I also made myself familiar with the 12 Steps of Recovery so I could know what my husband-to-be was learning. Recovery is a class no one willingly wants to take and yet, all can learn from. I am powerless over alcohol. Admitting and excepting there is a problem is the first step in recovery.
I have wondered if this is where the Evangelical church in America is: entering the first step of recovery. There are many voices already speaking this truth. They are signing up willingly for recovery while others are still drinking in the bar next door. But it’s not alcohol the church has drunk over the years, it has been power and popularity that has caused the abuse of family members. Some have admitted their wrongs, moving through the steps of recovery. Others are attempting to heal from the abuse, learning to detach with love, either way, admitting there is a problem no one can fix outside a higher power, moves us towards health. But much like recovery, it is a slow and painful process, full of relapses and renewed commitments. Trust is built slowly and torn down within seconds. It’s fragile and precarious and only with the power of God, can it truly stand firm. (I’m talking about the church, sometimes people just need medication alongside a higher power).
Let me begin by stating the complete 12 steps of recovery as stated by Celebrate Recovery which is a faith-based recovery program based on the 12 original steps.
1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs.
We admit we are powerless. Much of recovery is a practice of confession and lament. Admitting something is terribly wrong and unable to be fixed by sheer willpower, is the entrance fee to recovery. It’s painful and often takes hitting rock bottom to admit this. I’m not entirely sure if the Evangelical church has hit rock bottom yet but the more we try to cover up our sins, hide the abusers, and shame others into silence, the bottom will come quickly (At least, I pray it will). Because rock bottom may be the best thing for it. We admit we are powerless. Rock bottom is feeling the full weight of confessing our brokenness and powerlessness. The control you thought you had was just an illusion, and the plunge into the icy cold water of reality is shocking and yet, this is where healing begins. After all, the judgment we read throughout the prophetic books still contained hope. God wants his people to return to him even if they must first hit rock bottom.
I didn’t know my, now husband, during his rock bottom moments. We met and began dating nine months after he left rehab (which is not recommended and I understand why now). He was kind of a mess but I was ready to date someone real after being burned by “the perfect Christian guy” a few times. I welcomed his mess but not without gaining a few tools for myself. So I googled “Local Al-Anon meetings” and found a small country church hosting a weekly one. I didn’t want to go alone, so I asked my friend Debbie and the rest is history. I went to weed out any co-dependent tendencies that may be lurking in me and I found a few. Even more so, I learned what it meant to love a person in their rock bottom moments, to detach by still love. I love the church. I have fond memories of growing up in my Evangelical tradition and still hold fast to some of the things I’ve learned through that tradition. I also recognize that my former tradition has been drinking from a glass of power, nationalism, abuse and cover-ups, becoming a stumbling, slurring shadow of itself. Yet with hopeful eyes, I witness the few in recovery, wrestling with their sins and attempting to carry the message to others. Yet many are not even in the room yet. I believe they will be. Like any addict, it’s only a matter of time before rock bottom hits. This may look different for each individual congregation but I pray for a spirit of confession and lament to fall heavy upon our churches. We admit we are powerless. We take an inventory of wrongs. We make amends. And we do these things over and over again, inviting others to join us.
A detail I have left out is, when I met my husband it was his second rehab experience. This one stuck. He got on medication to help with his mental health, gained copious amounts of self-care habits, and filled his life with healing relationships. Recovery is a process that often takes a couple of times to take its full effect. My prayer is that we are able to detach in love not allowing the resentment and bitterness to stain our lives but in love, pray for our churches and leaders. Pray their rock bottom moments are genuine seasons of confession and lament.
My sister used to say some of her favorite people were in recovery because they had finally stopped bullshitting themselves and others.
Let this be our prayer for the Evangelical church as well.
Newsletter Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash