All things aside - No. 2
Random thoughts on Holy Week, driving too fast, eccentric fashion, building higher fences, and what I'm learning from my Human Design
Hello, friends. Welcome to another essay “All things aside” where I capture all the random thoughts I’ve had throughout the month and cram them into a weekly newsletter. It’s longer but it’s like a choose-your-own adventure with multiple mini-essays to choose from. Many of you jumped into my reader survey after my last newsletter complaining that many of you didn’t do it. So guilt does work - haha! Juuust joking. However, it was helpful to receive more insights and for that, I am deeply grateful! Anyway, enjoy this buffet of thoughts without the quilt of calories consumed.
Peace and every good,
Sitting on asses, not high horses
Last year I wrote a post for Palm Sunday that offered a swift kick to my fragile ego. I reread it this week, and it still rings true for me and all of us. If we’re being honest, judgment can be a fun game we play with one another, helping us to rank who’s making it or not. Just the other day, I was watching the latest season of Selling Sunset (don’t judge me… see what I did there?). It’s a reality show based on a prestigious real estate office full of beautiful women selling million-dollar homes in the LA area. The drama is out of this world but you simply cannot look away. After an episode, I wondered why emotional immaturity is so entertaining. As I pondered this, I couldn’t help but think what a boost to my ego this show gives me. I would never do that, say that, be like that. I roll my eyes and sit in my comfortable judgment as I eat lunch. But ego recognizes ego. If God placed a camera into my brain, the world could see the petty crap I hang onto as well. Though these shows are merely meant for entertainment, they can also soothe our own insecurities. So on this Palm Sunday, let us remember that we serve a God who didn’t sit on a high horse but rode an ass to the cross.
If you’re a paid subscriber, enjoy my full essay from last year below.
Cars are people too
After wrapping up a busy work day this past week, I looked at my calendar only to realize I needed to leave the house 15 minutes ago to make it to The Grotto in time. I have been a member of The Grotto for a few years now, and I make it a priority to spend time in the upper gardens each week. I love to walk through the Peaceful Garden, sit by the pond, or walk the labyrinth. But for me to do that, I need to get there in time before they close the elevators to the upper gardens for the day. In a panic, I rushed out of the house, plugged “The Grotto” into Waze (because we all know that app will get us there faster), and started driving. As I weaved my way through traffic and darting into neighbors to avoid being stuck behind a school bus, I tried to stay mindful of the speed limit. If you live in Portland, you are well aware that many four-way stops don’t have stop signs and it’s up to us to check for vehicles - well I didn’t and as I blew through a neighborhood four-way stop, another vehicle had the same foolish plan. By some miracle, we missed each other by mere seconds!
When I arrived at The Grotto, I had just a few minutes to get my coin for the elevator and I did but only to discover they had extended their hours for spring - oh geez… My amygdala was still on high alert by the time I arrived at the pond and I had to spend some time in confession: My spiritual formation and time with God became the ultimate goal to the detriment of humanity. I didn’t care about any of the people I was blazing past, I needed my spiritual fix over honoring the safety of others. When I got back to my car, I began a new meditation “Cars are people”. With each vehicle I saw, I would say hello, greeting it like I would any person on the street. This was a hard lesson to learn but a much-needed one: if my spirituality doesn’t make me a more loving person towards my fellow humans, then it’s only a pious exercise.
I need more color in my closet
Over the past couple of months, I’ve wanted to move away from my usual beige and blah attire and express myself more with color. Like any bad habit, I returned to Target to see what I could find, which was abysmal. This season’s fashion apparently is bold and boring. Plain neon T-shirts littered the racks and I walked away empty-handed.
Then I heard an encouraging word from a fashion expert that made all the difference for my new style. She said to shop second-hand instead of going to a big box store. When you shop second-hand or on an online site with variety, you tap into your own intuition and style-likes without the influence of another telling you what to wear because it’s displayed nicely on a rack. I took this to heart and have been taking my time in second-hand shops and online, asking the questions: Do I like this? Does this top/pants/ shoes bring me delight? I have also been following my color wheel for my skin tone which has been helpful.
I have never liked shopping for various reasons but after a few purchases and a ton of compliments about a simple sweater with colorful flowers, I am hooked on following what delights me and not giving a damn about what’s new at Target.
I think I may be growing as a person.
Sometimes you need to build higher fences
If you’ve been following me for a bit, you may remember I wrote about a conflict we had with a neighbor which turned into a hard spiritual lesson for me. However, just the other week we were playing with our dog, minding our own business while this neighbor was trimming her bushes. When she leaned over our fence our dog began to bark because of course, she’s a German Shepherd, the neighbor then proceeded to yell obscenities at our dog. My husband almost lost his shit but he kept his cool until I got home and he told me.
As much as I want to be the bigger person, the more spiritually, more emotionally mature person here - sometimes you just have to build a higher fence. We developed a plan to not only build a taller fence on our side of the property line but also to landscape the whole back space to make it look like a mini forest with trees, bushes, and flowers. I think the best thing here is to create more distance and privacy for both of us. For the sake of peace, truly.
Growing up in a strong Christian environment, I remember being taught to do whatever we can to resolve conflict and I still do believe resolution is the first goal. However, if a resolution cannot be made, learning how to draw and maintain healthy boundaries is necessary (thank you, Brene Brown). Even though I still feel a twinge of guilt about our decision, I am not about to show up at her doorstep and talk it out. Been there, done that, and it didn’t work. This goes against every grain of my being who desires to build bigger tables and add as many chairs as possible. I love the gathering of diverse minds and resolving conflict. But sometimes, a higher fence is the only option, metaphorically and literally, and I am learning to be okay with that.
Are you tired of hearing about Human Design yet?
Too bad. Haha!
If it’s new to you, it’s a personality typing that combines multiple sciences and it has felt spot on for me. The typing is quite complex but many Human Design teachers say that if you just learn your Type, Authority, and Strategy, that’s all you really need. It has been a game-changer for me in this season of life.
One of the areas Human Design has helped me has been in my writing. I have been conditioned in my life to follow a schedule, check things off my to-do list, and be the kind of person who “gets shit done” but I have always felt confined by those culturally accepted norms. When I learned that my type needs more freedom to follow my energy instead of the rigid status quo, I am actually more productive and content in my life.
As an example…
I sat down one morning to write my Substack and I literally had nothing. My mind began to criticize my lack of creativity, having me believe that perhaps this whole writing thing wasn’t for me. I looked at my schedule with such despair. I had blocked out this time to write and I couldn’t put a single sentence together. Then I remembered my human design and resolved to stop forcing my energy to go where it simply did not want to go. So instead, I followed where it was leading, and believe it or not, she wanted to answer emails and do a bunch of admin work. I also remembered I had scheduled a boxing class later that day I was looking forward to. As I gave myself more and more permission to follow my energy and the things that brought me delight, I could feel my conditioning fall away.
Later that day I had a chunk of open time to write. So I sat down, opened a blank Substack and the words poured out of me without any resistance! I can’t tell you how good that felt. It wasn’t about feeling inspired because I already knew the content I wanted to write nor was it about an obligation to meet a self-imposed deadline, it was following my energy. Plain and simple.
Being a creative, there is so much tension between doing the hard work of creativity and letting it flow. I believe in hard work, trust me. But when I’m not filled up in my spirit, that damn curser blinks mockingly at me and the doubt becomes all-consuming. What if we gave ourselves permission to follow our energy? What if we could tap into that brilliant intuition we often ignore and give it some friggin authority?! As a Christian, I believe the Spirit works with and in our intuitions but our conditioning says it has to check all the right boxes. Forget the boxes. I get we still have our adult lives that come with responsibility and limitations but honestly, many of those limitations are self-imposed. They get formed from our egos, people-pleasing, and culturally accepted ways of living. Screw all that, God built you beautifully complex and I believe it’s honoring to pay attention to the way we are built.
So follow your design loves, and not the crowd.
Your reflections resonated with me as I read them this morning. I especially liked “I believe the Spirit works with and in our intuitions but our conditioning says it has to check all the right boxes. Forget the boxes.” Thanks for this!