An interrupted faith
Thoughts on "Under the Banner of Heaven", deconstruction, and finding the courage to ask questions
Do you remember the moments when your faith got interrupted?
Recently, my husband and I have watching the series “Under the Banner of Heaven”. It was originally a book published in 2004 by Jon Krakauer, that tells the story of a devout Latter Day Saints detective, Jeb Pyre in a small Utah town investigating the brutal murder of a wife and her 15-month-old child. As the story unfolds, Jeb’s faith is completely interrupted as he comes face to face with LDS fundamentalism and a religion where questions are easily dismissed under the guise of faithfulness.
As Detective Jeb discovers more and more of the dark side of his tradition, he begins to deconstruct his own beliefs. One of my favorite scenes happens when a young officer who is an LDS follower finds a family member needed for the investigation. Upon sharing the news with Detective Jeb, the officer dismisses himself for finding the family and instead, gives credit to his “Heavenly Father” for finding them after he prayed. Detective Jeb however, responds unexpectedly: “You followed the evidence, Morris. Like a good cop does.” The young officer is clearly shaken by Jeb’s response and the scene gives just enough time for you to watch the confusion flash across the officer’s face. It’s a short scene but a profound one. Detective Jeb, who once would have praised “Heavenly Father” alongside his comrade now offers credit to the young officer for doing his job.
What I find so profound about this scene, are the pauses. You see the wheels turning for both characters as they wrestle with beliefs that have experienced both subtle to severe interruptions. This is the jarring beginning of deconstruction which doesn’t happen out of thin air, it’s an event that occurs in time. Regardless of how big or small that event is, it causes us to pause, take a step back, and think twice about our beliefs.
The word deconstruction gets thrown around a lot these days. It is often associated with questioning beliefs, social justice movements, church hurt, and “progressive” Christianity. Yet, one thing we all need to remember which we see portrayed in this series, is that deconstruction is also our story. It is a human life attempting to make sense of an experience, whether good or bad, within a religious framework. Deconstruction often feels heady but it doesn’t merely have an intellectual component. It also has an emotional component which I would argue is by far the greater motivator for reevaluating our beliefs. We can try to ignore the interrupters of our faith as many of the LDS characters in the series attempted but not very successfully.
SIDENOTE: As much as some people would like to focus on the LDS beliefs that led to such evil, we all have blood on our hands. Every religious tradition. Sorry to say. This is not an essay about them versus us. So feel free to stop reading if you were hoping to gain more ammo to unload on a few innocent LDS missionaries the next time they’re at your door.
As this story unfolds, the continual interruption to Detective Jeb’s faith takes a sharp turn into courage town. At first, he is hesitant to ask questions which is ironic because he’s a friggin detective but then you begin to understand why. The scene below is a conversation Jeb has with a trusted leader of his local LDS church. He is looking for answers and guidance but the message given is just the opposite.
“I don’t go digging in the past, and neither should you.”
How many times have your doubts and questions been dismissed by leaders of faith? For those of us who dare to ask the hard questions, who want to examine our past and “dig up” the rotten bones of our faith, it is often a lonely place to venture. Many of our faith leaders want to forget about our ugly history and yet, as the old saying goes, if we don’t learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it. (Here’s a great Substack by Diana Butler on this very thing).
We have yet to finish this series, so don’t spoil it in the comments below but one thing I know is that Jeb’s experience is many of our own. It may not involve murder but it may involve trauma, hate, and shame coming from the very faith you believed was supposed to be about love and forgiveness. These faith interruptions are unavoidable, leading us down paths of reevaluating just about everything surrounding our faith tradition. No religious tradition is exempt from these experiences.
For us who choose to continue to believe, even just a little, that Christianity still has something to offer the world that is beautiful and whole, we best learn to hold the ugliness it has also caused. A contrasting character I find most refreshing in the series is a retired LDS Bishop and the father of the deceased woman. He knew his tradition well, the good and the bad, and held both with grace. We can do the same. It’s by far the harder path to take but it’s the most real, one that doesn’t excuse the dark side but sees it for what it is and chooses to remain grounded in the good.
Jesus wasn’t some moral compass, eradicating the past to usher in a new pristine kingdom. He was a revealer of all that was broken and the Ultimate Interrupter that pulled away the curtain of our lives to show us our truest selves. Interruptions can become our teachers if we let them, leading us to ask questions and expanding our vision to include a fuller story. It’s tempting to hang on to our snapshots of faith that look and feel good but our feet are planted in a reality much larger. It takes courage to see the fuller story. It’s painful but it’s what I believe Jesus meant when he told us to pick up our cross and follow him. He wasn’t just talking about our individual suffering but entering into a collective suffering, into a larger story.
This is so good Colette. I have been noticing lately the few who do this well- holding that space between telling truth about history/reality and holding onto the goodness of faith. As I have begun to be honest about my doubts and questions it has unleashed a lot of anger and skepticism. I dont think this is a bad thing in general but I am finding it hard to navigate. I know I too have been complicit in systems and theologies that are harmful. This conversation helps- to reframe this disruption as an opportunity for healing
Very interesting observations. I've been reading up on your blog because I am listening to Church of the Wild and discovered that Wild Church Portland is meeting in my (relative) area. I hope to come down for the next service. So far what I have been reading here and in that book is all hitting home strongly for me. On a different note, I want to give you a heads up that your keyboard appears to have autocorrected LDS to LSD in all but one spot. Unless that was on purpose to throw off algorithms or something.