Hi friends,
This is a very personal and vulnerable post. I was convinced it wasn’t meant to be published and yet, I couldn’t shake its universal message. We all experience the sneaky triggers that cause shame and self-criticism. It doesn’t matter the situation, our egos will show up whenever they damn want to and try to pull the rug from under us or seat us on a shiny throne.
The other day, my Spiritual Director and I discussed how the ego swings between two extremes: self-depreciation to self-aggrandizement. It has the uncanny ability to become really small in one moment and then puff up big in the next. I struggle most often with the “shrinking gremlin” of shame but can easily venture into the territory of pride and self-righteousness.
I am a huge fan of practicing self-compassion which I believe is the middle between these two extremes. Sometimes, compassion looks like letting our wounded selves bleed because it may be what is needed to release the bullshit and find your truest self.
Much love,
One night this past month, I was unable to sleep. I know better about trying to force sleep, so I read until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. It was then, in the middle of the night that I came face to face with my wounded ego.
After the death of Rachel Held Evans in 2019, I began to read her books for the first time. I heard inklings of Evans and was introduced to her primarily through Sarah Bessey but her tragic death sparked a desire to read her work. I began making my way through A Year of Biblical Womanhood and found myself laughing out loud through the whole first chapter. She was truly a profound and clever writer. Fast forward almost four years, and I’m still reading this book while trying to fall asleep. Confession: I’m usually in the middle of 5 or 6 books; some I finish quickly, others I take my time, and some, I don’t finish. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.
I had just finished the chapter on silence when my wounded ego reared its ugly head to dispel any confidence I may have had about my writing or faith. At 11 PM on a Tuesday in 2023, I read my spiritual journey through the lens of Evans but only a decade prior! She was discovering and writing about things she was learning at age 30 that I am now just learning in my 40s. Commence self-critic tailspin.
Sleepy and quite grouchy the following morning, I attempted to process my feelings around this and was unsuccessful in soothing my wounded ego. I couldn’t shake the oh-so-familiar shame message I often find myself wrestling with: I am behind. I am behind because I am indecisive, lazy, and not very smart. YIKES!
I knew I couldn’t remain in this space, so I did what I often do to get back on my emotional feet, I write. Here’s what came out:
Colette, your ego wants to make this a competition. It wants to divide the front runners from those in last place but this isn’t a race. Especially when it comes to something as deeply mysterious as your own soul. But this false self is the one writing this narrative and has created a ton of unrealistic expectations for you, and it’s all bullshit.
God isn’t waiting for you to “arrive” at some level of spirituality or vocational aspirement. I know you’re hurting but let the wounds destabilize the bullshit and stop trying to weave them into some cosmic purpose to be used as a healing balm. You are where you are. This is your life. Blessed and imperfect. Your ego is wounded but don’t bandage it up, let the ego bleed out.
Just let it bleed.
The death of our false selves (think ego) is necessary to find our true selves or else, we will recycle the same crap over and over again; The same wounds will appear, and the same self-criticisms, judgments and unrealistic expectations will create canyons in our minds. And many of us will live in these canyons till we take our last breath, or we can choose the sweaty, dusty climb to the top and embrace life as it is. We can stop looking at the cards in someone else’s hand and play the ones we have. We can stop resuscitating our egos and welcome the tomb. Resurrection doesn’t happen without death. God can’t do the work of transformation if we keep our wounded egos on life support.
I am a master at weaving a false narrative that keeps me in front of my shame. I’ve never experienced demon possession but late nights of profound self-criticism come pretty damn close. Jesus wants to come and cast them out, but my ego wants to stay in the cave of self-loathing. It’s what I am most familiar with. But I am learning. I am letting the wounds bleed, leaking out the criticism and the shame till I am finally still and silent, and ready for resurrection.
Letting these wounds bleed looks like naming the wound (shame, pride, grief). It is sharing the wound, exposing it to compassion in the presence of safe people. Our first tendency is to hide, cover up, and move on as quickly as possible but letting our wounds bleed can be a sacred act that honors our humanity, revealing our false selves and giving life to our most authentic selves.
I love Rachel Held Evans. Her words ring true decades later. And if I step into my true, resurrected self she becomes a soul sister and not a mirror of my life’s failures. I can honor her life through companionship and not competition. I can keep living this imperfect life, releasing any pressure to become something I am not, honoring the ground beneath my feet and the words on this very page. Even more so, my truest self recognizes her roots are in the Divine and not in arbitrary, moving targets of success. This recognition also extends beyond herself, enabling her to see the Divine in all things and people, and knows that in order to do that, it requires entering into a lifetime of tombs.
Knowing that God inhabits and transcends our daily vocations, no matter how glorious or mundane, should be enough to unite all women of faith and end that nasty cycle of judgment we get caught in these days.
Rachel Held Evans
"May we all have the candor to say what is most true, the courage to let our egos bleed, and the hope of resurrection on the other side." Amen. Thank you so much for your writing, Colette.
Thank you for sharing your heart, soul, and mind, Colette. I resonate with your deep connection to a spiritual writer, although my version from many years back was with Anne Lamott. I've been meaning to read Rachel Held Evans and you've inspired me to add one of her books to my 5 books I also always have going at once ;-)