Dropping the thread of contemplation
The dark side of my vacation, some fun photos, and finding the thread back to myself
I am not a great traveler. Though I have enjoyed my travels, I often experience significant anxiety and have to work hard to be present. As I write this essay, I am still experiencing a bit of jetlag from a trip to Greece. It was magical and madness all steamed together like the bucket of mussels we enjoyed looking out over the Mediterranean Sea. I cried three times on this trip for various reasons but I also lounged on the beach for hours reading and sipping Aperol Spritz.
One thing I tend to resist is that it all belongs, the magic and the madness. I’d rather parcel out life in clean segments like a good dualist and separate myself from the madness. Sometimes I think I’d make a great cloister nun but I’m not. I live in a world of day jobs, dirty dishes, 12-hour flights and married to someone who drives too fast. As much as I want to remain in peaceful contemplation, separate from the chaos I cannot. Even if I choose to live in the mountains and dedicate my life to prayer, I’d still have to take my mind with me and she’s a bag of endless, anxiety fun!
James Finley from the Center for Action and Contemplation, often refers to the thread of contemplation, encouraging us not to break the thread of connection that we discovered in prayer. I wish it was more of a harness that tethered me securely to God. A thread feels too fragile, easily broken, or lost. Throughout my time in Greece, my awareness of that thread felt like a frazzled search for a euro in my handbag. My anxiety wore me out scanning for threats and I kept losing the thread in an ocean of doubt. I felt like a failed mystic, to be honest. Of all that I have learned about prayer, I felt more like the poster child for Lexapro than a spiritual guide. But then there would be moments I’d find the thread and follow it back into my soul. I’d enter into my Interior Castle1 with its mansions containing all I need to draw closer to God. I’d weave through the rooms, finding my way to the Center, then something would jar me and I’d drop the thread again. Dammit!
If the practice of mysticism has taught me anything, it is that the thread cannot be broken only lost. The thread that gently guides us into our souls where God dwells, is as eternal and infinite as our souls. The practice of contemplation simply offers us the opportunity to find that thread and follow it. We can become so familiar with our thread that though we drop it, we can find it because that thread has become our true home. Even more, our dropping the thread becomes an act of letting go of what is not our truest reality, acting as a harsh but needed reminder that what I once thought was my life isn’t fully accurate. My anxieties and insecurities stem from my false self, believing my fears and emotions are what define me. They don’t. Only God has the power to name my reality. Moving between my half-realities (the dropped thread) to true realities (finding the thread) can only be a practice of finding the Source of my true self. It all belongs.
The reason this newsletter is called Courage & Candor is to create a space where it all belongs and that takes being brave and being honest about how our spiritual lives unfold. It’s a total mess at times but it is also magic. Just the other day, as I was falling asleep during meditation I thought to myself, I bet a thousand cloistered nuns have also fallen asleep during prayer! I felt like I was in my own cloud of witnesses2.
None of us will get this spiritual life right, there will be times when anger, anxiety, and flat-out apathy will take hold. Yet, the thread that leads us back into our souls will remain as God remains. It is in our understanding and acceptance that our humanness is only half of our reality. It is the thread, coiled in our tired hands that leads us to our Center, drawing us inward to Reality itself.
May you find the thread that leads you back to Divine Love.
Much love,
Need a spiritual retreat?
I am starting something new for my paid subscribers: a mini-spiritual retreat series! I often go on spiritual retreats throughout the year and have been asked what I do. For this next season, I will be publishing a monthly spiritual retreat that can be 20 minutes, 1 hour, or 4 hours long.
Each retreat will include some of the following depending upon how much time you can dedicate to your retreat.
Suggested structure for your retreat
Selected readings from spiritual teachers, liturgies, and scripture
Spiritual practices
Journal prompts
Hope you will join me for these much-needed times of spiritual renewal.
Hebrews 12