I have opened and closed a blank Substack page now three times. I’ve read and reread the results from the reader’s survey and honestly, I feel a bit stuck. Not that the results were bad they were quite encouraging and provided much needed information. It’s that I am a bit stuck in my life, generally speaking. Perhaps this is what it feels like to have a master’s degree but then to simply return to the job I had while getting a master’s degree. Nothing really changed except that I can now say “I have a master’s degree” (and I have a butt-load of debt to prove it).
Something that surprised me about my survey was how many of my readers hold master’s degrees or higher.
Way to go, everyone! Or should I offer you a hug because you feel the same predicament as I do? Over-educated with no place to go. What I currently have is an impressive piece of paper. I thought by now I’d be an Executive Pastor at a local church being a kick-ass teacher and developing programs. I thought I’d have this following of people in awe of my accomplishments and prime ready for my first book release. Gosh, it’s amazing how much life kicks the shit out of our egos! Or perhaps it’s just getting old. Maybe the slogan for being in our forties is, Welcome to your forties, where ego goes to die. But much of it has been that my dreams for this life have changed.
All the energy I had in my twenties and thirties to dream and pursue those dreams has slowed to the pace of my creaky knees and sore hip flexors. I finally found a steady job that pays the bills that I don’t hate and I count this as a huge accomplishment but it’s not my dream job. But if you asked me what my dream job was? I couldn’t tell you. I’ve never been able to answer this question.
Learning my Human Design1 has been most freeing for me in this stage of life. It’s the permission slip I’ve needed to do multiple things and follow my many passions. I now see that my dream job is actually a compilation of many things, not just a singular path. Writing is just one thing of many and yet, I have sacrificed my other passions to find the ONE without knowing the ONE never existed. You would think that realizing this in my forties would be discouraging enough to throw in the towel and assume the couch potato position for the next forty but it hasn’t (not entirely at least). Freedom is great but it also reveals our cages.
Another thing that surprised me about the reader survey was that I only received about 10% participation. I’m not sharing this to guilt any of you who didn’t fill out the survey, but I find it interesting because about 80 people regularly read my Substack according to my open rate. So first, thank you to the 8 people who took the time to fill it out. But secondly, I’m curious about what kept many of you from filling it out. I know that I don’t write on hot-button topics concerning social and political stances, nor do I write deep theological pieces. Sure my content can be seen as controversial to my conservative-leaning readers but not surprisingly, not many of you are conservative.
The only thing I can think of is that we are simply overloaded by content and it may take someone streaking naked down the football field of content generation for people to notice. I have felt this with social media which to my relief many of you don’t give a damn that I’m active or not on social media.
Once again this is not a guilt trip, only an observation. You have ridiculously busy lives, so please don’t unsubscribe because you feel I’m bitching or because you feel bad. Please don’t. I do not care if you filled out my little survey or not. I guarantee some of my closest friends didn’t fill it out because they are running around with their hair on fire between work and school drop-off.
I did however love the surprise that many of you are not looking for a long meaty newsletter (thank you, BTW) nor do you want a short and sweet newsletter. You mostly want something in the middle, an 8-minute read that causes you to pause for a moment in your day. And that’s what I really want, to offer you a pause in the midst of your busy lives.
My favorite part of the survey was reading your comments on what topics you’d like me to write about more.
Many of you want more focused pieces on the intersection of the natural world and God.
One person just wrote “feminism”. Love this. If I knew who you were, I’d invite you to grab a coffee.
Another encouraged me to continue to write about how my spiritual life unfolds. Thank you for that freedom.
Under the other suggestions, I received a lot of encouraging words like “Nope I love your stuff so far!” and “Keep on keeping on!!” but one person wrote:
Maybe a TL;DR summary up front? I'm more likely to read it if it's a topic that I find engaging/interesting.
I honestly had to Google “TL;DR” which means “Too long; didn’t ready” and now I get it. I also appreciate a summary at the beginning to know what I’m getting myself into. Thank you for this honest feedback. I will try.
The last thing that surprised me was how split you were on changing my logo.
So basically I’m just going to stick with my current logo (though I tweak it a bit).
Circling back…
So circling back on feeling stuck and owning impressive pieces of paper, this survey mostly reinforced that I still love to write. It’s one of the many passions that has stayed consistent. So at least for now, I’ll keep writing. Who knows if it’ll fade like my passion for music did (which I also happen to have a degree in) but for now, I’ll stick with it. As for being an impressive pastor, I’d rather wander through the woods and contemplate God’s love for me as I feel the wind on my face. For my “impressive” MDiv, I at least get to teach the Bible once a week at a women’s recovery center and I absolutely love it!
Dreams change. We change.
When we finally muster up the courage to put ourselves out into the world, we have to let go of the results. I believe this is the moral of my reader-survey story. One thing I have loved about Human Design is the encouragement to follow delight. I have learned that I function better as a person when I follow my energy from delight to delight. Even when there are tasks or responsibilities in my day I don’t particularly enjoy, if I can cushion those tasks with things that light me up inside, I have the energy to do the hard stuff.
I’m getting close to my 8-minute mark and I don’t want to ask more of you than you have asked of me. So thank you again to everyone who took the time to fill out the survey. It is still live, so if your schedule is a bit freer this week, head over there and add your thoughts. You could just be the tipping point for changing my logo! haha!
May we all find the courage to do the hard stuff, follow what delights us, and be honest about our very human realities.
Much love,
P.S. Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Here’s a favorite playlist I love to blast in the house while baking Irish Soda Bread.
Even though I appreciate Human Design to help with offering me guidance in life and how I best make decisions, I by no means completely agree with the system. For example, I heard two different podcasters say that we are “limitless” and that we are “god”. I had to chuckle at this. This is a statement of the privileged. HD doesn’t seem to take into account real human suffering. So far, I haven’t heard a single teacher address suffering or the dark side of our human design. Because of this, it’s definitely not a tool to help us grow in self-awareness like the Enneagram can be.
Definitely didn't do the survey because I haven't had time to read all my emails lately (and/or I spend too much time reading emails at work and my brain doesn't want to do that off the clock!). But it's on my mental to-do list!
My master's degree did not end up having any effect on my career directly, but I think indirectly the accomplishment gave me something to be proud of and rewarded/reminded me of my passions. Someday I would like to try being an adjunct professor on the side, but I too have a job that ticks all the boxes for now. It is so easy to get caught in the privileged trap of seeking the "dream job" - it's not always there for everyone, and sometimes the tradeoffs for the dream job make the rest of life suffer. I aim now to have a job that I can enjoy which allows me to live a life I can enjoy, and that is what I've got right now